The Real Criminals

I can't believe I haven't touched on this sooner.  I think it's because it has been cold, as we all know, even by NYC standards (clearly I'm not complaining since we've had like one cold day all winter - I know you bitches in your galoshes have managed to complain though and I'll let you have it).  Needless to say, everyone is all covered up and not showing their truest "long" comings.

The reason I thought of this is because my gym bag was randomly searched today by the police (not by any darling member of the MTA who I would have personally assassinated) and I was forced to explain why I had a wet flip flop in it - as if maybe I had doused it in some skin eating acid and planned to throw it in the face of an old woman with a goiter, just for kicks.  I was made to feel criminal - in other words. And UNNECESSARILY.

The real criminals, (as you'll soon find out when the weather breaks if you haven't already) are the dirtbag mother fuckers that pay absolutely NO attention to the well being of their hands and feet.  I'm no idiot.  I don't for one second believe that any absent minded slob who accidentally forgot to maitenance the nails on their hands and feet for the last six months have the intellectual  capacity to understand the relevance and necessity of taming other "wild" regions of the human body.  The "natural look" will never be cute people. It just won't. Well maybe on a lumberjack. But not on YOU.

I find it personally offensive when someone with bunyons, cankles, a potential corn and cement calluses on the heels of their feet wear sandals and smile in the summer time as if they just dipped them in a vat of aloe vera.  

I find it equally offensive when jagged, half bitten fingernails touch say, the end of the receipt that is handed to me in check out, or grace my neck accidentally on the subway.

Immediately, because I'm a sick fuck, I imagine these people in a sexual situation and try to understand how any human could possibly keep the moment going when one of these barnyard hogs releases their gnarley hoof from a ripe sock.

I also think these people are morally reprehensible, not just gross-and that their thoughts on any societal matter-political or otherwise-should be thrown by the wayside.

 If you can't even mow your own lawn, how do you expect me to cook up a chili dog in your backyard?