Don't make me take away your biscuits!

I will DO IT.

She might be writing a book y'all

Once upon a time there was a grumpy hard ass woman. She married a dude after they had iced cream on the curb. They had two kids. She dances to signed sealed delivered at political rallies whilst raising the roof.

No one cares.

The end.

She is fucking ugly

I don't get it. I really really don't get it. She looks like her mother was addicted to heroin and only quit a minute before she was born. The makeup sucks the personality sucks her taste in men sucks and NOW we give a shit because she got naked?

More males around me have commented on how hot she is in the last week and I have to tell you, I cannot disagree more. Just because you're a skank and living in Hollywood and got coked up and had your naked pics taken doesn't mean YOU'RE FLY.

Obsessed with Boleyn

I am not a Tudors fan but I have been trying to be. And now that I realized like an idiot a year too late that the Boleyn's were involved, I will be watching season two. Here is why. Have you read The Other Boleyn Girl?

I know I never would have given a shit if there wasn't a movie about it six months ago, but my roomate who is a princess in his own right read the actual book and told me that it was so good and such a hoot and a real page turner and blah blah blah. Being a snob and a jerk, I originally scoffed at the idea of reading it. But then I did -

I have to tell you, it is one of the BEST BOOKS I HAVE EVER READ. I'm not even fucking done. If you've ever vied for power/hurt other's feelings/wanted to be a Royal (or my whole life in a nutshell), then you will most DEFINITELY ENJOY.

Off with her head!

Stick a Magic Wand in your....

According to CNN.com, universities like Yale are using the Harry Potter series as the subject of entire theology courses. Apparently the subject matter draws large crowds and makes the usually boring topic of theology come to life.

Um....is it me or is this a load of complete horse shit? Harry Potter is certainly entertaining but I wouldn't be so quick to say that there is any real literary value to the books above and beyond me having a wet dream about flying around on a broomstick and casting spells on fat people.

I haven't read the books in the series but have seen the films and can say fairly confidently that there is no theological relevance to any of it. It's a nice story that draws on religious themes - but to design a course around it and suggest that students at Yale are going to learn anything that they can apply to a future endeavor is absolutely LUDE-ICROUS.

Fucked Up E-Cards Galore

This is by far my favorite F-ed up cards site.

Check it:

http://www.gbehh.com/cards/index_cards.html

Movie of the Week

Elizabeth: The Golden Age

Miss Lizzie is indeed a fierce little bitch and I like when she overcomes her cunthood to accept her 1st maid's quasi bastid kid.

More seriously, the costumes and cinematography in this film alone are enough to make it worthwhile but Blanchett's performance is awesome.

So what if I'm behind schedule?

I'm also trying to convince my roommate to wear his hair like that on Halloween just for shits, if I promise to be Mamma Obama.

Oregon Trail

Louisiana tour officials have announced a 26 stop trail to highlight certain moments throughout African American history such as slave details, plantation owners and the like.  Soon to follow, a Handicapped tour, a Jewish tour, and a Cuban Tour.  Those are just the trails in the next three months.

I want to see an Oregon Trail.  I want to travel with someone named Rudy and get dysentary when I don't kill enough squirrels to eat.

Tapper we goin?

A New Leg for the Whole Fam!

Miss Heather got herself 50 Mil today.

The thought of all that money makes me a little saturated. Truth.

In Memoriam

I wasn't aware of this story until this morning because I was taking a media hiatus this morning.

Very sorry for all those involved.

Dancing with the Stars - Yeehaw

I am so pleased Dancing with the Stars is back on.  Even though I hate the hosts and fast forward through most of the program (except when the host says 'Carrie Ann Inaba' in that creepy voice during the judging), there is something about it that draws me in every season.

I think the professional dancers are really good and also think it's sad that they have to dance with typically overweight Clist celebs.

That said, my favorite C list celeb is on the cast this year.  MONICA SELES.  I grew up watching her grunt and squeal like a farm hog on the clay courts, and I pray to all the Gods that she lets out a similar odd non human noise during one of her routines this year. 

Tag Team Back Again

From ABC News and the NY Post today:

A former aid to ex mo governor Jim McGreevey claims he had sex with McGreevey and now ex-wife when they were dating back in the day. SAY WHAT?

If this is true I am going to be so fucking pissed.  Here is why.  Well, I had to listen to this bitch sit on Oprah for a full hour and make me feel bad for her why they painted McGreevey (as idiotic as he may be) as this monster who destroyed her life while so selfishly had affairs with various "dawgs" in his cabinet.

Let me tell you something.  If this bitch not only knew that her boyfriend at the time was a nifkin sniffer, but fucking allowed him to salivate all over someone's pie whistle whilst she sat there like a bafoon hoping one day he would get through his little "phase" than she should be put into some sort of Mo 101/insane asylum.  

I find it very hard to believe that if your "boyfriend" cannot handle getting intimate without the cameo or recurring role of El Sausage Capitan, then it is pretty goddamn clear that he ain't EVA GONNA DEAL WIT YO POONTANG solo.

I mean, if you're a victim, fine.  I feel bad.  If you're a dumb asshole, you unfortunately deserve it.

Don't Drink and Stink

It's a fuzzy day.

FUZZ.

Panties.

I hate Mariah Carey? Why? Because I know that when she isn't flailing her arms around and wasting her wonderful voice on stupid hip hop songs because she wants to be "down wid it" she is just a big piece of shit. I can just SEE it in her eyes.

Also her clothes are always hideous.  It wasn't cute to be able to see her panties while she was tweeting.

The TARGET skit and the SNL short with Andy Samberg's dad (was that really him?) were pretty spectac.

Ball Bussin -Asshole of the week Award

I don't get why most moral authorities usually wind up doing crystal meth with South American drug lords like three days after they lynch a "criminal."

It's just aggravating.

Also, big ups to his wife for standing there with that dumb look on her face.  You know she wants to beat the fuck out of that Awad.

Well hello!

So sorry for the unfortunate delay in posts.  It's been a crazy week.

Let's get started.  

Last weekend, my train got struck by lightning in New Jersey and then when I returned to NYC THREE "audacity of hope" readin' hours later, I learned that I could not get on the L train because someone decided to lay down on the tracks at Graham Avenue and wouldn't get up.

So of course, I had to waste another 20 bucks getting into a fucking taxi.  And of course, the fucking taxi driver was a fucking psychopath named OLEG.  Please see above sign.

This loon proceeded to scream at me the whole way back to Brooklyn about what a genius he was and how if I didn't want to pay for his service I was a big ass.  Then he hijacked me for a higher tip and told me that I was a rich white man who liked the IRS.

Listen Ukranian fuck brain.  Just because Svetlana is sucking dick for bread in Moscow doesn't mean you have the right to try to bamboozle me into your sub par service.  I don't give a fuck what day I was born.  Danke.

American Idol

Did anyone catch Chekezie's mother praising Jesus when he didn't get kicked off last night?

http://youtube.com/watch?v=9zYj7rzyexI

Scroll to minute 1:25

Congo Bongo Trongo Dongo

All Hail Mamma Obama. I am about to start speaking in tongues I'm so excited.

Untruths are told that don't have anything to do with what Barack is about," she said in the local Luo language, her gray hair smoothed neatly under a headwrap. "I am very against it."

Luo wha?

Match Game:

Let me say something about each picture and then you match it up to the correct one. Ready? Go!





a) What the fuck is that Stars and Stripes headwrap doin on a fucking pole? Gimme dat shit back.
b) Obama yo dick ain't dat big
c) That bitch is not sleeping in my fucking house. She got fleas boo.
d) I just had me a nice little child's ear. My stomach be full.

Project Runwizzle

I am very happy to say that Christian Siriano is the winner of Project Runway.  He most definitely deserved it, and his pieces were the strongest of all of them.  I kind of wish Jillian broke down a little bit more, but you just know she was backstage threatening an embargo on blowjobs from her jewance for an infinite amount of time.

I was also sort of touched that he's not just a nelly queen and he really does appreciate his victory.

Sorry but there will never be a better one

In a world of great mugshots, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that one of all of them, will never be surpassed in greatness.  If you would, please take a few moments to really examine the joys of this singular photograph.  The hair, the expression, and the dingy bathrobe are enough to make me feel a little liquefied, even all these years later.

I'm a little wet.

Soiled. Saturated. Moist. Unencumbered.

Go Hil-Spot. I knew Texas was worth something.

Believe it or not, I'm friends with this idiot

Please enjoy a serenade by obnoxious publicist, Zlata Faerman. She cannot even get the words right to your favorite classics, but you just can't find a medley of this caliber nowadays.

If you'd like to send her hate mail, please send to:

zfaerman@gmail.com


She likes being beaten into submission.

Slore Strikes Again

So remember when I told you about my pathetic friend that boned that girl in Murray Hill?

Look what he received in the mail yesterday morning - this time the note said: Have you forgotten about me?

No one knows this bitch's last name, but she needs to be arrested.

Can anyone find her on myspace? Let's send her hate mail!

Mighty Aphrodite

So I was eating at the downtown Houston's location on Park Avenue yesterday during lunch and I just wanted to make a brief complaint (surprise) about the A-hole who was hosting.

It wasn't that she was unpleasant or rude or even that ugly. Well, ok she was ugly but it was because she had her hair (which was dyed black and showed a moderate gray root) in FUCKING PIGTAILS.

I hereby proclaim that anyone ever wearing pigtails outside the context of Halloween or a sex costume should be shot.

The worst part of all was her name tag. Her name was APHRODITE.

I don't believe her. She was lying because ugly people lie.

Donate

Now you know I love O-diddy despite her recent political endorsements.  Despite what you may or may not think of her, she gives a great deal to those who are in more unfortunate situations.

Since I am such a loser, and openly DVR Momma O every day - I thought I would share that I was quite moved by Drew Barrymore's appearance on the show - and even more moved by her 1 million dollar donation to wfp.org - the World Food Programme.  The WFP is a UN funded organization that helps stop world hunger.

Donate today - for less than 50 bucks a year you can see that 93% of your donation goes directly into the hands of those who are hungry.  

Get into it.

Get your Prayer Beads!

Let's say a big Primary prayer for Miss Hil as the results pour in tomorrow.

Hail Mary girl.

You're Always Being Judged

very demon of the underworld.

He sounds more and more like a woman scorned.

Four Nobusian Leechy Martinis Later

The Subway Chronicles

All I ever do is talk about the L train - but it's so FUCKING gross that I just can't help myself.

This morning some French woman - not the one who played Edith Piaf - decided not to worry about my hand that was right in front of her face whilst she spoke at full volume to the even uglier French woman behind me about their unshaven snatches.

Their conversation included phlegm and lots of hot breath that made the tops of my hands burn under her mouth. I rushed to the kitchen sink today to wash her Parisian bacteria off of me as quickly as possible.

Yum.

Movie Pick of the Week

This movie is phenomenal and beautifully shot and the performance by the French actress who won the Gold man and whose name I'll never remember is simply astonishing. I did just hear that she said 9/11 was an inside job which makes me think she might be dumb, but I'm ok with it for the purposes of you watching the movie.