I just don't get it. I'm not a food nazi. Sure, I have read parts of Skinny Bitch and I am now quite familiar with the Pro Ana Mia movement which we'll discuss in a bit but I do like a nice greasy carbohydrate-tastic meal. I really do. I like burgers, fries and the occasional McFlurry. It's true, I may starve myself during the week to maintain the allusion of a perfect genetic hand-me-down but my family looks like every other suburban family. American, if you will and I too am only three pies away from looking sub-par. In my mind I'm actually a celebrity and paparazzo may take pictures of me on South Beach over the summer.
Despite my mouth which is usually salivating for SOMETHING, I just can't seem to get into the Food Network. Even running into Giada at Nobu 57 with her faux Italian accent used on words like Pinot Greeg-chio can't swerve my netherregions to a more peaceful place. I can't hold the Food Network anywhere near my heart.
In fact, I absolutely hate it- I hate all the shows on it. I don't think it's interesting to watch orange creme drip into a bowl whilst some overweight woman stirs it and tells me how unhealthy it is. I don't think it's enjoyable when someone yells about food, and exclaims odd things while slamming baking trays into an oven. I most certainly don't like watching someone else fucking eat when I'm hungry. I also don't like someone enjoying a cocktail when I am just waking up with a twisted liver and a mouth drier than a thug post dutchman.
What is it about these people that is so alluring?
I woke up this morning and my mother was watching it. Again. Maybe because it's Sunday it really rubs me the wrong way. But EVERY time I watch it I have to fight the sensation of wanting to fill up the tub with boiling water and submersing myself until I'm forced to inhale the agua and burn out my lungs.
Why don't people just go into their kitchens and have a good old fashioned food fight?
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